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Is totally fap worthy! Even if he should have kept his long hair. Would have made it perfect.

Ick...

another miscarriage last month. 3 weeks ago from yesterday, to be exact. And to make matters worse, June 10th was the day that should have been the twins' fourth birthday. I was not coping well. For starters, I hadn't told T that I'd been pregnant last month, more or less that I'd had a miscarriage. I was trying to protect him. That and back when I thought the baby was healthy, I knew he'd freak about the fact that we're dirt poor right now and can't afford to support another baby. It's not like I want to get pregnant, but at least if I heard I was again, and it was healthy, it'd be happy news.

Anyways, so I just had my miscarriage, and the sad anniversary, and now I'm looking at this:



Ick! I don't even know what to make of it. I'm hoping it's just screwy because of last month's m/c, but I don't know. So basically, I have to cross my fingers that it's not another pregnancy chart, hope those high spikes go away and my temps level out under coverline, and try not to use up my OPK stash (the only way I could test for pregnancy thanks to the hook effect.)

Come on temps, stay down...

Cut Up Angels

If we cut out the bad
Well then we'd have nothing left
Like I cut up your mouth
The night I stuffed it all in
And you lied to the angels
Said I stabbed you to death
If we go at the same time
They'll clean up the mess

I lost my head
You couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun

Watched you bite into the bottle
Watched me kick out the chair
Let you chew up the glass
And laughed as you just hung there
I had thought of rose petals most perfectly pure
Then I thought of your petals
And the abuse they've been through

I lost my head
You couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
You lost your head
I couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a (like a)...
Almost feels like a (like a)...
Almost feels like a gun
Woah woah

I told the angels
Cant stay in heaven
I asked the devil, the devil, the devil
If we cut out the bad
Well then we'd have nothing left
Like I cut up your angels
Yeah you stabbed me to death

I lost my head
You couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
You lost your head
I couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels just like a gun, yeah!

I lost my head
You couldn't come
Lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
I lost my head
You couldn't come
Lust to my brain almost feels like a (like a)...
Almost feels like a (like a )...
Almost feels like a gun
Feels like a gun,
Feels like a gun,
Feels like a gun,
Feels like a...

One more before I start dinner...







What Type of Relationship do you Truly Want? {Lovely Anime Pics}




You want... Friendship

You wouldn't mind being in a relationship and the thought of having a boyfirend or girlfriend is nice... But really, you want someone to just pal around with. Laugh and joke and simply enjoy life. There's nothing wrong with that, weather you two are dating or not. You are usually a happy person, playful & willing to laugh at almost any joke. You want someone who is the same way, someone you can just enjoy being around.

"Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit."
Take this quiz!








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We'll I don't even like HP, but....







What's Your Reputation at Hogwarts? (26 different characters)




Quiet Nerd:House: Ravenclaw
Best Friend: Hermione.

Gryffindors
Harry: Wants you to speak up more during class because he loves your voice and thinks you are quite intelligent.
Ron: Hopes that you get less like Hermione as you get older.
Hermione:
Loves that you study as much as she does.
Oliver Wood: Doesn't know who you are.
Fred and George Weasley: Try to get you to play pranks with them to crack your tough shell.
Seamus Finnigan: Doesn't bother trying to get to know you.
Neville Longbottom: Is too busy dreaming about Ginny.
Dean Thomas: Bought you a book for Christmas because he had a crush on you.
Ginny Weasley: Tried to burn that book so that you would have more time to spend on being normal.
Parvati Patil: Is always too busy flirting with the Gryffindor boys to notice you.
Padma Patil: Same as Parvati.

Hufflepuffs
Cedric Diggory: Doesn't know who you are.

Ravenclaws
Cho Chang: Same as Cedric.

Slytherins
Draco Malfoy: Picks on you as often as possible because he knows it hurts your feelings.
Crabbe: Don't know you.
Goyle: Same as Crabbe.
Pansy Parkinson: Is always picking on you with Draco.
Marcus Flint: Wants to be smart like you, but knows he can't so he makes fun of you for it.
Blaise Zabini: Is the only Slytherin who's somewhat nice to you.

TeachersDumbledore: Tries to get you to like new things so that you won't be so shy.
Professor McGonagall: Likes how you don't talk during class.
Professor Flitwick: Knows you are afraid of showing you're true skills in class and tries to get you to demonstrate them in class.
Professor Trelawney: Predicts a lonely life for you.
Professor Snape: Forgets your name on a daily basis.
Filch: Doesn't even know you exist.
Take this quiz!








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Sad to say...

Either Tony and I are starving, or we're really not working out. We just had a fight over a can of fucking peaches. Yes, you read that right, a can of PEACHES for chrisake! I'd been eyeing the can for a week, but knew I couldn't eat a whole can of peaches by myself without getting a major tummyache. So I left them. Today, he opens them and I asked if he would save me a few when he's done. (READ: I ASKED FOR HIS FUCKING SCRAPS!) He rolls his eyes and "generously offers" me the can. I said no, I don't want it right now, just save me some, and he gets an attitude. So I said "fuck it, I don't want any." (with my own attitude, I admit.) and he says "fuck you, bitch." and throws them into the utility sink. (Where boys pee when they can't be bothered to go upstairs.) Then he's all "No one gets peaches now."


Yeah, I think maybe it's a little of both. Being starving just highlights how we're not working out.


Edit: This skirmish also rubbed me the wrong way, because even though we've had our share of problems, I don't think he's ever once called me a bitch.
This about sums it up for me right now:

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?

I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
I guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
Ive gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on the shelf?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
Ive gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
But you only want what everybody else says you should want

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!
Read more...Collapse )

I know I've been missing...

It's a long story. But I'm safe and happy.
Enjoy some fraggle rock stuffs.


Wow, has it really been less than a week since I last posted? It seems like so long ago. My boyfriend went to jail on Tuesday. I guess ex-boyfriend is more appropriate. I should be glad. I know I should. But things don't always work the way they should. I wanted to leave him, but I didn't want him to go to jail over it. Everyone keeps telling me he put himself there by hitting me, but I feel like I put him there. Like I betrayed him. I suppose this is more an abused womans issue then a disorder issue, so sorry. The point is that having him taken suddenly actually hurt. I had a plan. It would have taken time, which would have given me time to adapt. I came home and started sobbing after he was arrested. Just uncontrollable sobbing that lasted for hours. I can't remember when the last time that happened was. Perhaps it's a good sign that I stayed and felt it? I don't know.

But the important thing is that I had this revelation when my best friend asked me if I was ok on Thursday. I will be okay. All the abusers in my life are gone, and I'm still here. My moods and issues, and yes even lost time are all a part of who I am and not necessarily something in need of immediate fixing. I'm taking small joys in the fact that I can get up and  walk out the door without anyone demanding an explanation. I'm feeling saddened when I catch myself making breakfast for two people instead of one. But all in all, I will be okay.

I don't know why, I'm sorry.

I have no idea why I can't just write this on myspace and click send. Maybe because I'd be able to tell for sure that you've read it, and this way if you never reply or whatever, I can pretend you must not have seen it.

Maybe it's because suddenly all of that opening up that you claim I did seems to have been for nothing.

I feel like an idiot. Plain and simple. You let me sit there and blather on about how much I trusted you, without you so much as hinting that that trust had already been violated. And yesterday, you let me babble like a total moron about what I thought of you, knowing how hard that was for me. Knowing that everything I thought about you was wrong. I just can't hit send. After everything I'm the same girl who turns red and exits out of imvu never to be heard from again.

I suppose it's my fault. My expectations were probably too high.

You're not gonna see Madoko for a couple days. It's a long story and it has (almost) nothing to do with you. Who knows, it might even make you proud. I'm not gonna lie, that's not as important to me today as it was yesterday. You could still see me, though. On yahoo or myspace or something. If it matters. I won't be on there all day everyday not wanting to be parted from you. It just doesn't work like that right this second. It will take a while (not a long time, because after all, it was just a picture, but yes a while.) to have that same trust for you that I gave you blindly the first time around. Again, it's probably my mistake for trusting you so quickly in the first place. You'd think after all I've been through I'd have known better.

That's it. Just wanted to have my 2 cents thrown in without being interrupted or distracted. Talk to me or don't, balls in your court now. Just know that things have changed. Maybe the change is temporary, maybe it's not. I honestly don't know.