Anyways, so I just had my miscarriage, and the sad anniversary, and now I'm looking at this:
Ick! I don't even know what to make of it. I'm hoping it's just screwy because of last month's m/c, but I don't know. So basically, I have to cross my fingers that it's not another pregnancy chart, hope those high spikes go away and my temps level out under coverline, and try not to use up my OPK stash (the only way I could test for pregnancy thanks to the hook effect.)
Come on temps, stay down...
- Mood:
aggravated
Well then we'd have nothing left
Like I cut up your mouth
The night I stuffed it all in
And you lied to the angels
Said I stabbed you to death
If we go at the same time
They'll clean up the mess
I lost my head
You couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
Watched you bite into the bottle
Watched me kick out the chair
Let you chew up the glass
And laughed as you just hung there
I had thought of rose petals most perfectly pure
Then I thought of your petals
And the abuse they've been through
I lost my head
You couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
You lost your head
I couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a (like a)...
Almost feels like a (like a)...
Almost feels like a gun
Woah woah
I told the angels
Cant stay in heaven
I asked the devil, the devil, the devil
If we cut out the bad
Well then we'd have nothing left
Like I cut up your angels
Yeah you stabbed me to death
I lost my head
You couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
You lost your head
I couldn't come
This lust to my brain almost feels just like a gun, yeah!
I lost my head
You couldn't come
Lust to my brain almost feels like a gun
I lost my head
You couldn't come
Lust to my brain almost feels like a (like a)...
Almost feels like a (like a )...
Almost feels like a gun
Feels like a gun,
Feels like a gun,
Feels like a gun,
Feels like a...
- Mood:
confused
What Type of Relationship do you Truly Want? {Lovely Anime Pics}
You wouldn't mind being in a relationship and the thought of having a boyfirend or girlfriend is nice... But really, you want someone to just pal around with. Laugh and joke and simply enjoy life. There's nothing wrong with that, weather you two are dating or not. You are usually a happy person, playful & willing to laugh at almost any joke. You want someone who is the same way, someone you can just enjoy being around.
"Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit."
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What's Your Reputation at Hogwarts? (26 different characters)
Quiet Nerd:House: Ravenclaw
Best Friend: Hermione.
Gryffindors
Harry: Wants you to speak up more during class because he loves your voice and thinks you are quite intelligent.
Ron: Hopes that you get less like Hermione as you get older.
Hermione: Loves that you study as much as she does.
Oliver Wood: Doesn't know who you are.
Fred and George Weasley: Try to get you to play pranks with them to crack your tough shell.
Seamus Finnigan: Doesn't bother trying to get to know you.
Neville Longbottom: Is too busy dreaming about Ginny.
Dean Thomas: Bought you a book for Christmas because he had a crush on you.
Ginny Weasley: Tried to burn that book so that you would have more time to spend on being normal.
Parvati Patil: Is always too busy flirting with the Gryffindor boys to notice you.
Padma Patil: Same as Parvati.
Hufflepuffs
Cedric Diggory: Doesn't know who you are.
Ravenclaws
Cho Chang: Same as Cedric.
Slytherins
Draco Malfoy: Picks on you as often as possible because he knows it hurts your feelings.
Crabbe: Don't know you.
Goyle: Same as Crabbe.
Pansy Parkinson: Is always picking on you with Draco.
Marcus Flint: Wants to be smart like you, but knows he can't so he makes fun of you for it.
Blaise Zabini: Is the only Slytherin who's somewhat nice to you.
TeachersDumbledore: Tries to get you to like new things so that you won't be so shy.
Professor McGonagall: Likes how you don't talk during class.
Professor Flitwick: Knows you are afraid of showing you're true skills in class and tries to get you to demonstrate them in class.
Professor Trelawney: Predicts a lonely life for you.
Professor Snape: Forgets your name on a daily basis.
Filch: Doesn't even know you exist.
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Yeah, I think maybe it's a little of both. Being starving just highlights how we're not working out.
Edit: This skirmish also rubbed me the wrong way, because even though we've had our share of problems, I don't think he's ever once called me a bitch.
- Mood: aggravated
Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
I guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?
I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
Ive gone identity mad!
I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!
How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on the shelf?
I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
Ive gone identity mad!
I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!
Say what you want to satisfy yourself
But you only want what everybody else says you should want
I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!
( Read more... )
- Mood:
indescribable - Music:Mika - Grace Kelly
It's a long story. But I'm safe and happy.
Enjoy some fraggle rock stuffs.
But the important thing is that I had this revelation when my best friend asked me if I was ok on Thursday. I will be okay. All the abusers in my life are gone, and I'm still here. My moods and issues, and yes even lost time are all a part of who I am and not necessarily something in need of immediate fixing. I'm taking small joys in the fact that I can get up and walk out the door without anyone demanding an explanation. I'm feeling saddened when I catch myself making breakfast for two people instead of one. But all in all, I will be okay.
Maybe it's because suddenly all of that opening up that you claim I did seems to have been for nothing.
I feel like an idiot. Plain and simple. You let me sit there and blather on about how much I trusted you, without you so much as hinting that that trust had already been violated. And yesterday, you let me babble like a total moron about what I thought of you, knowing how hard that was for me. Knowing that everything I thought about you was wrong. I just can't hit send. After everything I'm the same girl who turns red and exits out of imvu never to be heard from again.
I suppose it's my fault. My expectations were probably too high.
You're not gonna see Madoko for a couple days. It's a long story and it has (almost) nothing to do with you. Who knows, it might even make you proud. I'm not gonna lie, that's not as important to me today as it was yesterday. You could still see me, though. On yahoo or myspace or something. If it matters. I won't be on there all day everyday not wanting to be parted from you. It just doesn't work like that right this second. It will take a while (not a long time, because after all, it was just a picture, but yes a while.) to have that same trust for you that I gave you blindly the first time around. Again, it's probably my mistake for trusting you so quickly in the first place. You'd think after all I've been through I'd have known better.
That's it. Just wanted to have my 2 cents thrown in without being interrupted or distracted. Talk to me or don't, balls in your court now. Just know that things have changed. Maybe the change is temporary, maybe it's not. I honestly don't know.
- Mood: stressed
The feelings I was laughing at and belittling in that post were my own, not yours. It was easier than acknowledging them.
I thought: "Okay Sunny, you just finished telling him that while you can't stop M, you won't go to him. Don't screw that up at the first opportunity." And I didn't. I was so fucking proud of myself. So happy that I had not messed that up. Did it even matter? Was I even on your mind?
I can't reply to those messages right now. I read every word, and I understand what you're saying but I just can't write back to you. I need time, and I need to be sober. Neither of those are in my favor tonight.
- Mood:
high
- Mood: amused
Flesh made to bleed.
Stockings that tear,
pretend she's not there.
Woman can fly.
Soar through the sky.
Makes it half way,
News of the day.
- Mood:
crushed
I wish I could just leave you alone.
- Mood: crushed
- Mood:
blank
- Mood: enraged
- Music:Rasputina - Tourniquet
I had begun painting again, and wanted to paint the Sakura trees in bloom, so we just up and left for Japan one day. Despite my rusty Japanese, I managed to find a place that was supposed to be extra beautiful, but we didn't have enough yen for a rail card, so we left the station and tried to find another way there. We were standing on the sidewalk trying to bum a ride when the rain started.
"You could have stayed in Cleveland if you wanted rain." You mused, pouting a bit at how the trip had turned out. I don't remember what I said to make you laugh, but it must have been something awesome. And then you stopped laughing and kissed me. It was so sweet and amazing. We stood in the rain kissing for a while before you grabbed my hand and we walked to the apartment-like hotel room we had rented. Then we made love, the rain pounding against the window behind the bed.
- Mood: amused
It's that disease that we crave
Alone at the end of the rave
We catch the last bus home
Corporate America wakes
Coffee republic and cakes
We open the latch on the gate
Of the hole that we call our home
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me, protect me
Maybe we're victims of fate
Remember when we'd celebrate
We'd drink and get high until late
And now we're all alone
Wedding bells ain't gonna chime
With both of us guilty of crime
And both of us sentenced to time
And now we're all alone
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me, protect me
So I know I haven't been blogging much. Some people who read this will probably have been worried a bit. Some sullen writing and no real updates seems to do that. M had his snitfit, and now we're back in the honeymoon phase of the cycle. I like to pretend that recognizing the cycle puts me ahead of other women in similar situations, but the truth is that it just makes me more of an idiot. I can identify the honeymoon phase, but it still works on me regardless. There is some part of me that, while still mad about the recent blow up, is delighted to see a glimmer of the man I met when I was 15, and not the cold hard monster I live with during the escalation period that seems to last longer and longer these days. I wrote a post on my sk blog that probably scared those who have access to all of my journals, about how I felt that I would only be able to escape him in death, and it was a welcomed exit at the moment. While this was true at the time (moments after he'd fled the scene of the incident) I didn't mean to scare anyone, and I'm intelligent enough to talk myself out of anything rash. Hell, I haven't even cut myself since 2003. Hopefully you can take some comfort in that and not worry when I go all drama queen on you. I'm going to post this as public, so those who know me but don't use lj will be able to read it as well. I am pretty much alright, life goes on, and I'm back to my regular routine.
- Mood: blank
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